Addiction and substance use disorders are widespread issues, impacting millions of lives. According to the 2022 National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), over 46.8 million Americans aged 12 and older struggled with substances in the past year. Unfortunately, only a small percentage received the help they needed. As a family member, loved one, or friend of a person struggling with addiction, you know that there is a major ripple effect of consequences and strain to the people close to each of those almost 47 million people.

Setting and maintaining boundaries with your loved one, whether they are in recovery yet or not, is one of the most important things you can do to protect your mental, emotional, financial, and familial health. Not only do boundaries help yourself, but setting them also creates a foundation for helping the person in recovery.

In this article, we will:

• Learn what boundaries are
• Debunk common myths
• Provide actionable steps to help set and maintain healthy boundaries

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that you can create to identify reasonable and safe ways for others to behave towards you, and vice versa. When it comes to addiction and recovery, these boundaries help establish how you expect to be treated, what your role is in the person’s recovery is, and can help limit enabling and harmful behaviors.

Myths About Boundaries

When some people hear the word “boundaries”, they envision walls designed to keep others out. A common myth we hear is that people who set boundaries are selfish. In reality, boundaries are about self-care and mutual respect. They are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and personal-well being.

Another common misconception is that boundaries mean you don’t care about the other person, when in fact the complete opposite is true. When it comes to recovery, practicing and maintaining healthy boundaries demonstrates that you care enough to protect you, your loved one, and your relationship.

Additionally, some people believe boundaries are rigid and unchangeable, when in fact, they can be flexible, adjusted as needed, and evolve over time.

Why Boundaries Are Crucial

Establishing healthy boundaries is vital for both the person in recovery and the loved ones in their support system. Research shows that individuals have a higher potential for successful recovery when they have a strong support system surrounding them. However, without boundaries, it’s easy for you or your loved one to return to enabling or harmful behaviors. Understandably, people often find it difficult to be consistent and firm with their boundaries. However, remaining steadfast is beneficial in the long term for everyone involved.

Recovery is not something that happens overnight. It's a lifelong and often evolving commitment, and healthy boundaries help make recovery more manageable and effective. They provide a framework for consistent, supportive interactions that empower both the person in recovery and you as their loved one to be responsible and make healthy decisions.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries

There are many different types of boundaries you should consider, including financial, emotional, physical, time, and social boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are communicated clearly, maintained consistently, and come from a place of love and respect. These may look like saying “no” to providing financial support when your loved one asks for money, setting a “no substances in the house” rule, refusing to bail your loved one out of trouble, or limiting your contact with your loved one when they are under the influence.

Unhealthy boundaries are weak, inconsistent, and do more harm than good. These may look like taking on the emotional load of your loved ones behavior, tolerating someone breaking your own boundary in order to limit conflict, or continually putting the needs of others in front of your own.

Start With What’s Most Important

Setting and maintaining boundaries can be a challenging and anxiety inducing exercise, but it is vital for your well-being and the recovery of your loved one. By establishing clear boundaries, you safeguard your emotions and also create a healthier environment for everyone involved. Begin by reflecting on how you feel and be truly honest with yourself. Take a moment to identify your beliefs and compile a list of your non-negotiables. For example, if honesty is crucial for you, it’s essential to express that deceit or theft, in any form, is unacceptable. Maybe your loved one has previously brought dangerous substances or people into your home, and you’re no longer willing to allow that. Or even something as broad as refusing to interact with your loved one when they’re under the influence of substances.

Communication is Key

The next step is to communicate your boundaries as clearly as possible. Be open, honest, and straightforward when sharing your expectations. Be explicit and specific about behaviors that you will not tolerate and enable. Be clear about the consequences for crossing your boundaries, and be ready to follow through. This last part is extremely important because simply stating your boundaries will be useless if your family member learns they can push or manipulate your boundaries. This process not only empowers you, but can set the stage for all around healthier interactions moving forward.

If a boundary is crossed, it’s important to address it quickly and assertively to prevent feelings of resentment from building. When speaking, use “I” statements and avoid overly emotional or accusatory language. For example, instead of saying “You always yell at me”, try saying “I feel disrespected when you raise your voice at me”. This calm and respectful approach opens the door for dialogue and encourages the other person to reflect on their actions.

Boundaries Go Both Ways

Don’t forget that boundaries are a two-way street. Just as you have your own limits and expectations, others do too. The foundation of a healthy relationship is mutual respect, and mutual respect is demonstrated by acknowledging and respecting each other's boundaries.

Navigating Pushback and Resistance

Your loved one may resist or push back against the boundaries you set. Stay firm and consistent, reinforcing the importance of these boundaries for both their recovery and your well-being. Remind them why these boundaries exist in the first place, and try not be discouraged or manipulated by any negative reaction they have. It’s natural to feel guilt during this process, but remember that your intentions come from a place of love and respect. Boundaries are not about shaming or expressing disappointment but about creating a supportive environment for recovery.

Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, support groups, or a therapist. They can provide valuable advice and encouragement, helping you stay strong in your commitment to setting boundaries. Most importantly, they provide a level of accountability for you to maintain your boundaries.

Conclusion

Setting and maintaining boundaries with a loved one in addiction recovery can be challenging, but it is so important. By practicing clear communication and consistently upholding these boundaries, you are protecting your mental, physical, and financial well-being. These boundaries not only support your health but also play a vital role in your loved one’s long-term recovery journey.

Remember, boundaries are rooted in love, respect, and self-care. By establishing them, you’re not only caring for yourself. You’re also offering your loved one the structure they need to succeed in their recovery.

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